I have to say, though, the minions we're a little late & I had to hold my breath an extra 9 minutes. I think I damaged my frontal lobe.
about 2 hours ago from TwitterFon

I'm only sorry for those two old ladies. They suffered horribly in their final minutes.
about 2 hours ago from TwitterFon

The plan worked! I held my breath while minions from Lima, Peru dowsed Stonehenge in nerve gas. I'm starving! http://twitpic.com/76hzb
about 3 hours ago from TwitterFon

For those who've asked, I'm 2 b simultaneously; hung, electrocuted, shot, starved, burnt, & drowned. Posthumously I'll be drawn & quartered
about 3 hours ago from TwitterFon

I know now that my passing will not go unnoticed--at least by my mother and those two ladies over there. I will twit my last in 53 minutes.
about 4 hours ago from TwitterFon

Also, my mother texted me the sweetest goodbye message. (I could tell she really meant it.) These signs of support mean the world to me.
about 4 hours ago from TwitterFon

Evidently news of my execution has spread. As I type this, I see two elderly asian women standing @ the far edge of the field w/candles.
about 4 hours ago from TwitterFon

I've grown thin & i am almost too weak to write. But as H.M. lead me to the Alter Stone on a leash 1hr ago, I was bolstered by your vigil.
about 4 hours ago from TwitterFon

Minions, twits, fellow Americans: I have taken bold & drastic measures... since just after lunch today, I've been on a hunger strike.
about 4 hours ago from TwitterFon

И картинка:

Also, several have "corrected" my spelling and grammar recently. This undermines my reputation of infallibiliy & hurts minion morale. STOP
about 2 hours ago from TwitterFon


Minis, a few housekeeping items: 1) no, I am not "high." 2) what is #Followfriday? 3) it's my birthday today!
about 2 hours ago from TwitterFon

Many of you have asked what the arabic means. Frankly, i'm disappointed. I'd expected my minions to know all of the worlds major languages.
37 minutes ago from web

@DashaMedvedeva, Да я знаю русский.
38 minutes ago from web in reply to DashaMedvedeva

And, i know he's stated publicly, "پیغمبرم. پس منتظر پاسخ ملت," but, honestly, i don't think he really means it.
about 8 hours ago from web

We're in traditional Peruvian garb crawling 2 Iran 2 tell the "president": Friends don't let friends shoot students http://twitpic.com/7lvws
about 8 hours ago from web

And i didn't have the heart to tell my old friend, Ahmadinejad, that he was an evil, fascist (in the bad sense of the word) over the phone.
about 8 hours ago from web

AhmadiNejad asked me to come to Tehran to help stamp out the secular humanist uprising, but my liberators didn't bring money for airfare.
about 9 hours ago from web

British Minions Resistance hasn't been able 2 find me because they don't have Syrian visas.
about 9 hours ago from web

И картинка:

Barack asked me to collect firsthand data, so i infiltrated an ER by cleverly hurling myself onto the road a 55mph http://twitpic.com/c3n96
about 5 hours ago from web

As you know, Barack and i have been cooking up a scheme to revamp the heath care system.
about 5 hours ago from web

mini's, i would apologize for the long absence, but apologies are beneath me.
about 5 hours ago from web

It says "web" smarty-minIons, because I am on the web-on my iPhone. I'd block you doubters if I knew how.
about 4 hours ago from web

Typing on an iPhone is impossible with fingers as fat as mine. And u have been forbidden from correcting my spelling and grammar anyway.
about 4 hours ago from web

Phew. False alarm. They just untied themselves and got into my mom's secret stash of jamacan weed. They're giggling uncontrolably.
about 5 hours ago from web

Oh. Shit! There's smoke coming out of the bunker's ventilation shaft-I hope I didn't over-electrocute nephews. I never know when's too much.
about 5 hours ago from web

The funny thing is, it's not that I find the north Koran dictator unattractive, it's just that his breath reaked of kimchi that night.
about 5 hours ago from web

You know, I think it all goes back to when me and Kim Jung il got drunk on rice wine and I rebuffed his efforts when he tried to kiss me.
about 5 hours ago from web

Now, wait a minute, are there minion websites now?
about 5 hours ago from web

I was his favorite ping pong partner-he wouldn't play without me. Now I've got his 2 nephews hostage in my bunker & he still won't call.
about 5 hours ago from web

You know what, though? At least Twitter asks. At least Twitter still shows an interest in me, which is more than I can say for kim Jong il.
about 5 hours ago from web

I just wish it had more of a back & forth. I wish we could ask Twitter what it was doing. I wish I felt like Twitter was really listening.
about 6 hours ago from web

Twitter is the worst conversationalist i've ever met. Can u imagine trying to talk to someone like Twitter in person? Pretty annoying.
about 6 hours ago from web

You ever notice how Twitter always asks, "What are you doing?" then you answer the question and Twitter responds with "What are you doing?"
about 6 hours ago from web

It has come to my attention that most existing minions are actually small children, convicts or are severely emotionally handicapped.
about 8 hours ago from web

Tiny tithings have made it tough to twit as I’ve been forced 2 take a 2nd job delivering mulberries in the forest. http://twitpic.com/h1f63
about 2 hours ago from web

Minions were supposed to send large quantities of wheat after the harvest but all I got were 31 eggs & 2 toy ponies http://twitpic.com/h1die
about 2 hours ago from web

И картинки:

@esskay Wait, so when i hit "reply" does it go to just that person or to 1/4 of 1/10th of a million people? How does this work?
about 5 hours ago from web in reply to esskay

@sjb_90 sorry, how could i not notice you with your incredibly masculine screen name.
about 5 hours ago from web in reply to sjb_90

See u later. I've got to get cracking on the PEIMS (Preliminary Environmental Impact of Minions Study) before this can go to committee.
about 5 hours ago from web

@meimei42, yes! in triplicate it will be! (see that? Thanks to your input i'm now using the "reply" function. C how quickly i learn?)
about 5 hours ago from web in reply to meimei42

That's the spirit @esskay! If we're going to have bureaucracy, we'll need pencils & bureaucrats! I'll start working on the job application.
about 5 hours ago from web

I still don't know how 2 use twitter-@esskay writes: I work in local govt, if you want red tape created for no reason I have loads of ideas!
about 5 hours ago from web

Either way, we're a formidable force. We need to start thinking about how to construct a cumbersome bureaucracy to accentuate our numbers.
about 6 hours ago from web

1 of u posted "we're now 1/4 of a million minions strong." Strictly speaking, it's 1/10th of 1/4 of a mil-which doesn't have the same ring.
about 6 hours ago from web

Yeah, @SatansPuppet, most of your moms hung up on me. Maybe it was my heavy breathing... or my irate cursing. Either way, they were rude.
about 6 hours ago from web

Where have you guys been?! I've been worried sick. I've been posting your photos all over town. I even called your mothers &/or caretakers.
about 6 hours ago from web